Right Minded Online

Few things are sacred from the overreaching arm of Congress. An AP article on October 29 bearing the title “Senators looking into legality of college football championship selection” discusses the next potential victim of congressional regulation. According to Senator Joe Biden (D-DE), the Bowl Championship Series (BCS), which is college football’s method of determining which two teams play for the national championship, “looks un-American. It really does. It looks unfair. It looks like a rigged deal.”

Senator Orrin Hatch (R-UT), a graduate of Brigham Young University, says that it is in college football’s best interest to fix the BCS instead of forcing Congress to intervene. The complaint from senators revolves around the limited number of teams that are able to compete for the national championship. Teams such as BYU, Marshall, and Tulane, even though they may have stellar records, do not belong to one of the power conferences whose teams compete for an appearance in the championship bowl game. (Note to Senator Hatch: BYU would lose 65-0 if it did play in the championship game.)

So this set me to thinking. What would happen to the college football landscape if it were “federalized” by Congress?

First, the government would confiscate all college football stadiums and place them under jurisdiction of the park service. All stadium employees would be converted to the civil service, and airport screeners would be brought in to work the gates.

The ACLU would file a lawsuit to have religious schools such as Notre Dame and Texas Christian University banned from competition, as allowing them to compete would violate “separation of church and state.”

Several bowl games would find themselves under pressure to alter their names to more politically correct titles. The Fiesta Bowl would have to choose an alternative that wasn’t demeaning to Hispanics. The NAACP would threaten to boycott the Cotton Bowl, since it’s name serves as a reminder of the southern antebellum plantation. Labor unions would have a fit over the Sugar Bowl, since sugar is often harvested by non-union immigrant workers. And the United Nations would take aim at the Liberty Bowl, since they find the word “liberty” offensive.

The National Education Association would then pressure coaches to replace halftime pep talks and chalkboard strategy discussions with diversity and sensitivity training. The National Organization for Women would demand that cheerleaders trade their mini-skirts for gender-neutral attire. And some congressman would recognize the inability of the working poor to afford the high cost of stadium food, prompting Congress to implement price caps on concessions.

Referees would be chosen by presidential appointment, which would create a problem within itself. President Bush would seek constructionist referees (those who would adhere strictly to the rule book). But Senate Democrats would filibuster the President’s nominees, instead seeking a more enlightened officiary that would view the rule book as a living document and thereby take great liberty in altering rules during the middle of games (or create new rules altogether).

Of course, football lingo would have to be whitewashed of its offensive terminology. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals would try to eliminate the word “pigskin,” as it would be deemed offensive to swine. Gun control advocates would bristle at “shotgun,” and peace activists would be uneasy over the defensive rush called the “blitz.” Some poor announcer would refer to a long, last-second desperation pass as a “Hail Mary,” and the ACLU would sprint back to the courthouse to prevent other announcers from using the phrase, since it would represent a clear establishment of Catholicism. Pro-choicers would love the “option,” but would come unhinged if someone wearing a “Choose Life” tee-shirt sneaked past the airport screeners.

Because some teams would fail to lose their fair share of games, Congress would implement a “win tax.” Of course, they wouldn’t call it that, but would instead mask their punishment of success as the “No Team Left Behind Act.” By this graduated system of victory redistribution, teams in the upper win bracket (11+) would have to forfeit 33% of their victories to “underprivileged” teams. For instance, a 12-0 team would have four of its wins transferred to an 0-12 team, thus making their records 8-4 and 4-8. Teams in the second tier bracket (8-10 wins) would be charged 25% of their victories. And teams in the lowest tier would be taxed 10%. Those teams with losing records could fall back on the “earned win credit,” and be eligible to receive victories from the winners, even if they didn’t play a game. Of course, the entire win tax code would run more than 900 pages.

A fight would break out at a UT-Alabama game, and Jimmy Carter would be flown in to negotiate peace. Football stadiums would be forced to erect additional scoreboards in braille. And the first wide receiver to prayerfully kneel in the end zone after catching a touchdown pass would prompt another ACLU lawsuit.

Somehow, despite the injection of political correctness, government regulation, and punitive taxation, two determined teams would still find their way to the national championship. The powerful Oklahoma Sooners would face off against some liberal arts college team from New Hampshire (to the joy of Congress, no doubt, which would be patting itself on the back for “fixing” college football). Of course, half the tickets would go unsold, the television network carrying the game would have to reduce its commercial fees in order to attract enough advertisers, and the bowl game itself would be forced to operate at a loss, but no matter.

Unfortunately, less than two hours before kickoff, an OSHA inspector would shut the stadium down due to a rusty sprinkler, and the championship game would be delayed indefinitely. And the government will have ruined yet another institution it had taken it upon itself to repair.

Okay, perhaps these are nothing more than wild exaggerations, but I still believe I’ve made my point. Imagine college football as a microcosm of the broad spectrum of government domain. Congressional intervention would doom the BCS. Indeed, some things (well, a lot of things) are best left outside bureaucratic regulation.